Piss Clear: Black Rock City's favorite alternative newspaper

We've gone daily! - 2001
by Adrian Roberts

So here it is, it's Wednesday, and if you're reading this, chances are you've been here since Monday. And we here at Piss Clear, as always, are feeling like big lame-asses, because we're just now showing up. Hey! We remember when showing up on Wednesday was getting here early!

Okay, we admit it, we're envious. You obviously got the entire week off from work, and got a two-day head start on us. Hence, you are so much cooler than we are.

But do you have your own newspaper?

Yeah, yeah, so we may be late getting our asses out here, but you know, we had, like, a newspaper to put to bed. And it's a lot of work! It ain't easy being Black Rock City's only daily alternative newspaper.

Daily? Did we say daily?
Yup, you read that right. Daily. We haven't been a daily paper since 1996, when it caused us so much stress that we vowed to never do it again.

Well, never say never. That was five years ago, and frankly, we've gotten a little better at this playa newspaper thing. So we're going to give it a shot and see how it goes. Besides, don't you, the Black Rock City reader, deserve a daily alternative newspaper? Especially since we're the only one?

And why is Piss Clear Black Rock City's only alternative newspaper? Why hasn't someone else Ü someone younger and sexier, no doubt Ü come along to knock our attitudinal asses off our pretentious pedestal to claim that they are the only true alternative paper on the playa, and that we're just a bunch of pampered poseurs, pretending like we're all anti-establishment, while we secretly suck the Man's dick behind everyone's back? Because you know, they might have a point.

Prime real estate
After all, the Burning Man Powers-That-Be have finally bestowed upon Piss Clear something we've been secretly coveting since we started coming out here nine years ago: prime real estate. Yup, we've finally moved up through the theme camp hierarchy, and I'm happy to report that the Piss Clear offices are now strategically placed in Center Camp Ü and not just anywhere in Center Camp, but right next door to Larry Harvey himself! In fact, I plan on walking over there today to borrow a cup of sugar.

Yes, despite all the bitchy things we've printed about the Burning Man organization over the years, we've somehow been granted the playa equivalent of beachfront property, complete with a gorgeous, panoramic view of the open playa and the Man himself. (Thanks, Harley!) I can't tell if the BMorg is trying to underhandedly assimilate, or if this was just a big mix-up at the Theme Camp Placement offices.

New ticket pricing is only a matter of time
Either way, we're going to enjoy it while we can, because I'm sure that soon enough Ü maybe next year Ü the BMorg will get dollar signs in their eyes, and that's when they'll start selling tickets based on where your camp is placed. It'll be just like a Madonna concert, with the campsites closest to Center Camp commanding the highest ticket prices. Tickets will get progressively cheaper the further out you get, but Ü just like a Madonna concert Ü they'll never really get all that cheap. And the nose-bleed seat tickets will be right next to the all-night rave camps, where you'll never escape the pounding thump of the bass, and consequently, you'll never get a good night's sleep either.

But until that happens, you can call us shameless sell-outs if you want. We can take it. Because no matter what, we've still got a kick-ass camping spot, and you don't.

We need more newspapers!
Okay, so back to publishing a newspaper out here on the playa. Black Rock City is a town full of hipsters and alterna-types Ü why aren't there at least two alternative newspapers? You know, like they have in San Francisco, Seattle, or L.A.? Where's the Black Rock City New Times?

There are something like 50 radio stations out here, but only two newspapers? That's fucked up. Sure, it's a pain in the ass to publish a paper here on the playa, but isn't it also a pain in the ass to build a techno nightclub with video projections, or a large-scale human maze, or a motorized living room set? Yeah, I thought so.

We need more newspapers in this town. Let's face it, that other newspaper, the Black Rock Gazette, barely qualifies as such anyway. It comes off more like a hastily thrown-together newsletter, written by a bunch of hacks who think that regurgitating information from the Survival Guide qualifies as ñnews.î Yawn. I mean, really, how many times do we need to be told to ñleave no trace,î and not to throw trash in the porta-potties. Boooring! Enough already! We've got it!

Why we're called Piss Clear
Here at Piss Clear, we firmly believe that the good people of Black Rock City deserve better in a newspaper. This is a fun town! Shouldn't you have a fun read? You don't get that with the Black Rock Gazette. Why read something that constantly reminds you about all the ñrulesî there are out here? You want to read something that not only informs, but entertains Ü like our name, which does both: Piss Clear. Because really, all you need to be reminded of out here is to drink enough water so that you piss clear. And now you know how we got our name.

We're looking forward to being your source of printed entertainment for the rest of the week. Remember, we'll be publishing Piss Clear daily, so look for us every day in the Center Camp Cafe, at the Piss Clear offices in the center of the Esplanade, or from one of our sexy paperboys or papergirls!

We'll see you out there!