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You Know Youâre a Clueless Burning Man Newbie When...
by Hernan Cortez

... on the way to Burning Man, you eat all your Oreos and Doritos, then drink those two six-packs of beer that you thought would be enough.

.... you arrive on Tuesday morning and naively announce, ăHey, these porta-johns ainât so bad!ä

... you fail to put that note up on the bulletin board, telling your friends where youâre camped.

... you ask strangers to sell you drugs, even though you look like youâre from Langley, Virginia.

... you come to the realization that drinking a gallon of water each day is a royal pain in the ass. So you stop drinking water.

... you walk around asking women to show you their tits!

... you carry rotten fruit around, to pelt those idiots who ask you to show them your tits!

... you steal mementos from every camp.

... using the rope you cut from some strangerâs tent, you get a willing volunteer to hold the other end, so you can mow down those pesky stilt walkers.

... you then go around bragging about it.

... you pick up items with fuses attached, ăto get a better look.ä

... you try to jump on the rocket car, as it passes you by at 60 mph.

... you think that everyone likes getting woken up at the crack of dawn, despite the fact that they may have fallen asleep just thirty minutes ago.

... you doze off after a lunch time food quaffing, spread-eagled like a starfish in the blazing sun. You awake three hours later ÷ youâre the color of crab sticks ÷ and youâre unable to move.

... you get bored, so you break a rib! After all, a helicopter ride is the best part about Burning Man.

... on Saturday afternoon you finally get into the spirit of the thing, giving away a pint of water to that crusty raver type that you know must be from Mars.

... you enjoyed that so much, that two hours later you work up the nerve to give a can of Coors Lite to that naked guy in blue body paint.

... you never, ever mention that you only brought with you one bag of lemon drops, two bags of vending machine Fritos, and a six-pack of Bud.

... you buy $3 bottles of beer from some hucksters, at least six times.

... you pass out at the base of the Man, around 6 p.m. on Saturday, with your pants down around your knees. When BM veterans mutter, ăHeâs really wasted!ä it becomes the highlight of your Burning Man experience.

... you sacrifice something valuable to those porta-potty pyramids that arise over the toilet seat on Saturday night. Sunglasses, wedding rings, and cameras are always popular. You hope that it will bring you good luck.

... you decide ÷ at about 4 a.m. on Sunday morning ÷ that the groove in Black Rock City is just sooooooo cool, that youâre going to stay here all year.

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