Last Year Sucked Playa Dust!
by the Right Reverend "Blind Toaster"
Man may be the only goddamned place left in the fucking world where more than
five people can gather together without a fucking cell phone ÷ which is a GOOD
thing. But lucky me! Last year, I got to sit next to some techno-chick at the
oh-so-cool big burning of the Man and she has a freakin' walkie-talkie glued to
her ear. And she's like, "Hey Sage, what's it like over on the other side
of the burn? It's like, weird over here. My sister didn't come with me because
she's all 'I've had enough of those goddamn hippies and I'm just staying in my
tent and X-ing-out all by myself tonight.' It's cool though, I'll talk to ya
don't you bring a fax machine with
you next time!
next day I went out to this largest nude picture in the world thing at 8 a.m.
and it's 45 degrees out and my nuts have shrunk up to my armpits and this
Spencer Turnip guy is all like "I'm a professional photographer from New
York and you all have to sign a photo release before I can take nude photos of
you and sell them."
do you get? You get to be in my pictures." Oh yeah, and take off all your
jewelry and hide your tattoos because I want this to be real natural. Yeah,
like 2,000 people are naturally in the desert all the fucking time! And I'm
thinking, "Goddamn, I just drank five cups of coffee to make it here and
you' e making us stand around and there is no place to urinate. So there are
2,000 of us lined up like concentration camp inductees heading for the showers
and we're freezing. My bladder is bursting and there's a bunch of fat geeks in
wind breakers on the sidelines trying to take pictures of the 2,000 nude people
because this is, like, the best thing they have seen since the Baywatch marathon on TV.
did a get from Turnip? Not even a fucking Christmas card! And my dick and 1,999
other people's genitals are on his web site.
camera? I had to get it tagged like it is some sort of pipe bomb or something.
This year, I hear the media people are tagging tape recorders, sketchbooks, and
diaries, and that they'll make every vehicle leaving Burning Man pass through a
giant demagnetizer to make sure that you "leave without a trace" of
any recorded memories.
But here I
am, back again this year. I mean, fuck, if they're charging $200 a ticket, then
it's gotta be good, right?