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Sophisticated "Leave A Trace" Philosophy Espoused at BM2000
by Tokyo Rico

Todd Phillips, a drunken fraternity brother hailing from Bakersfield, California, today unveiled an environmental philosophy he calls "Leave A Trace." Burping loudly and thumbing the bridge of his "Shit Happens" baseball cap, Phillips urged all Burning Man attendees to follow his lead and adopt Leave A Trace practices as their own. "Those who adopt this philosophy will be on the forefront of a major sea change in the way the Burning Man event is perceived by the Bureau of Land Management and the public at large. It's fucking rad!" exclaimed Phillips, who "shotgunned" beers throughout his presentation before chucking them haphazardly over his shoulder.

"Unlike the outmoded 'Leave No Trace' philosophy," Phillips continued, "Leave A Trace is easy to understand and to implement. That's because it's based on the natural instincts of a modern city-dweller."

Leave A Trace stresses a careless disregard for the pristine beauty of nature, and promotes wasteful consumption. The main goal is to generate as much non-biodegradable trash as possible, as quickly as possible, and to leave it scattered over a vast expanse of wilderness. Other goals include permanently disfiguring unspoiled land and poisoning the atmosphere.

"Let's say you have a smoke," said Phillips, pulling out a lit cigarette. "Under 'Leave No Trace,' you'd have to stow the butt in your pocket. Whereas I simply drop it and let it land where it may." He noted that the same technique could be used with scrap paper, nails, and half-eaten watermelons.

Phillips also demonstrated proper Leave A Trace fire-starting etiquette. Soaking a large couch with gasoline, he then piled on several dozen steel-belted monster truck tires, along with shards of plastic and glass. Next came chunks of crumbled styrofoam. Setting the whole thing ablaze, Phillips watched as a thirty foot column of oily black smoke streamed into the air, raining soot down upon onlookers and blotting out the sun. "Dude, this is what it must've been like back in the 'Nam," he said, slightly awed at the display.

In addition to Leave A Trace, Phillips is a proponent of giant corporate media mergers and of the Strategic Defense Initiative. He's also the guy who invented those big billboards they mount on the back of trucks and drive around in heavy traffic.

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