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Why Can't I Get Laid at BM?
by Cap'n Shady

Why haven't I gotten laid at Burning Man? I mean, what the fuck? It's not like there's any shortage of men here who are either gay or somewhat adventurous with their sexual boundaries, so what in the fuck is going on?

How big of a fucking (well, not fucking actually) loser am I anyway?

It's not like I come to Burning Man looking to get laid, but I'm a nice guy, a self-proclaimed "professional idiot and slick sidekick," I build fairly decent art installations and set them on fire, I wash my genitals before and after intercourse and have some fairly kick-ass playa wear. With these odds, I should be getting laid by default, but alas, for the past three Burning Man festivals, I have come back to society without getting laid, without grabbing that big brass cock ring off of the merry-go-round.

I guess the easiest way to remedy this situation would be to drop all the side projects, horseshit, and nonsense I get involved with out here and just come here looking to suck and get sucked. But as I've learned with building art, sometimes the easiest things to do at Burning Man become the most difficult things in the world.

In reviewing my previous BM activities, I came up empty-handed when trying to figure this shit out, so, I turned to some fellow burners and e-mailed them to see, among other things, if they could shed light on this subject.

The first person I contacted was Hurricane Linda. When I asked her how come I haven't gotten laid at BM she said: "It's probably because you've been too damn busy building and burning shit to focus on sex. I always think before I get there that I'm gonna focus on sex, but when I get there I get distracted by bright lights and loud noises, or end up pursuing someone who's similarly distracted and not paying attention."

I next turned to Tokyo Rico, the voice of freedom for the playa. When asked why I haven't gotten laid at BM, he said, "Probably because every woman I know wants to fuck you, but you're gay. Also, some advice? Roll-on."

Well that statement left me utterly confused and hopeless. Tokyo Rico tends to do that to people. But women, could this be true? Could the only people at Burning Man that I could ever have sex with be only women? Finally I asked the Flamethrower Bitch, a friend of mine since the beginning of Gigsville. Maybe she could shed the most light on this subject. "How come I haven't gotten laid at Burning Man?"

"Because you're a cock-sucking bastard who won't settle for a nappy ass whore who would have you."

Man! Burning Man just sucks! One has to change their lifestyle this much just to get laid? So if I'm to take their information seriously, I should continue setting things on fire, stop building things, and just switch to women.

Ahhh, fuck all that. I'm getting laid at Burning Man this year and that's final. Any fetching guys looking to hook up with a guy who has a couple of flame-throwers, 10 gallons of gasoline and an ungodly amount of black powder meet me at Jiffy Lube. I'll be there, I'll be the one wearing the hat.

On the other hand, maybe I could just convince my boyfriend to come with me and have sex with him.... Nah, that's too easy!



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