A Spectator's Guide To Better Boob Spotting
by Peet n' Jon
arrived at Burning Man, and you're a little disappointed by the number of boobs
you've spotted, at least compared with your trip to Mardi Gras last Spring
Break. By this point, you're probably fuming to yourself that all those
websites featuring beautiful women gallivanting about nekkid have deceived you
into driving into the middle of nowhere and spending $200 on a ticket. What's
worse, your well-meaning calls of "Show us you tits!" are being met
with outright anger rather than a precocious giggle accompanied by a flash of
to seeing boobs at Burning Man is: You have to work for it. Cheap plastic beads
just don't cut it out here. Take a look around you: Glitter Camp, Camp Plaster
Caster, Eco-Shower Camp, Camp Sunscreen. All of these people have come up with
creative ways to get people nekkid, and even handle their goods! Why should you
get to do it for free?
said, where do you go from here? If you want a piece of the action, you're
going to have to McGyver a solution from the materials at hand. Sure, it might
be half-assed, but it sure beats getting your face slapped, right?
will attempt to provide you with a few ideas, feel free to be creative! Get out
there and barter for items you might need! Don't be shy ÷ this is Burning Man!
Idea #1 - Mobile
Strip Poker Camp
is this idea's greatest asset. All you need is a deck of cards. Don't try to
lure participants back to your camp ÷ this could be perceived as creepy ÷ but
instead seek out people in more public venues: the Center Camp CafŽ, Bianca's
Smut Shack, etc. Simply walk up to a group of women, and ask them if they want
to play strip poker (or Crazy 8s, Go Fish, whatever).
Idea #2 - Roving Nipple
put a lot of effort into this one, but why bother? Convince women that you are
an artist, and with any luck, they will allow you to draw little decorative
designs around their nipples. To make this idea more polished, hunt around and
barter for some body paint, but in a pinch, just use a ballpoint pen.
Idea #3 - Instant
Duct-Tape Bikinis While-U-Wait!
If you have
lots of duct tape (and if you don't, why don't you, you lunkhead?), there's no
reason you can't make clothing out of it. Chances are, even hardcore Burners
will think a duct-tape bikini is pretty cool. Applying baby powder before
beginning construction is nice, but not necessary. In the unlikely event that
you are asked to create matching bottoms, ensure that the individual you are
taping is cleanly shaven. Hey! There's an idea for another service!
Idea #4 Ã X-Ray
convince a few passing chiquitas to "Stop being spectators!" Then,
you kindly ask them to take their clothes off and go into your tent. Okay, this
may sound a little avant garde for some people, but this isn't your Granny's
bake sale...it's Burning Man, fer chrissakes! When your tent is filled with
naked ladies, you accost some other passer-by. You give him or her these crazy
glasses and tell 'em they're x-ray glasses and that they should put them on and
then go into your tent, where there's a bunch of fully clothed people hanging
out. He or she will go inside and be shocked and amazed that everyone does look
naked! Then ÷ and this is the most important part ÷ you go into the tent and
check out all the Chesty McBoobs.
Idea #5 - Boobs
remember Hands Across America, don't you? Well, you tell people that you're
organizing "Boobs Across America," the goal of which is to have women
of all colors and creeds put their boobs side by side, forming a giant
mammarian chain that stretches across this great land we call America. Then you
tell them it's going to start right then and there! When they take off their
shirts and put their boobs together ÷ well, who's the king prawn now? That's
right, you are.
Idea #6 - The Ruby
appealing to Cinderella fans, this activity will guarantee a Hefneresque level
of booblage. You'll need a red bra, and you'll need to dress up as a fairy-tale
prince. (Don't worry if you look gay or foppish, women find this comforting and
non-threatening.) Then, walk around Black Rock City repeating the phrase:
"I am looking for the woman who will fit into this Ruby Bra...The one for
whom it is destined will be guaranteed untold riches." If you play it up,
women will be more than willing to see if they're the lucky winner. Hint: Make
sure the Ruby Bra has one cup that's way, way bigger than the other one, so
that it doesn't fit anyone.
And if all
else fails, well, you can always just watch the Critical Tits bike ride. Good