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A Spectator's Guide To Better Boob Spotting
by Peet n' Jon

So you've arrived at Burning Man, and you're a little disappointed by the number of boobs you've spotted, at least compared with your trip to Mardi Gras last Spring Break. By this point, you're probably fuming to yourself that all those websites featuring beautiful women gallivanting about nekkid have deceived you into driving into the middle of nowhere and spending $200 on a ticket. What's worse, your well-meaning calls of "Show us you tits!" are being met with outright anger rather than a precocious giggle accompanied by a flash of flesh.

The trick to seeing boobs at Burning Man is: You have to work for it. Cheap plastic beads just don't cut it out here. Take a look around you: Glitter Camp, Camp Plaster Caster, Eco-Shower Camp, Camp Sunscreen. All of these people have come up with creative ways to get people nekkid, and even handle their goods! Why should you get to do it for free?

With that said, where do you go from here? If you want a piece of the action, you're going to have to McGyver a solution from the materials at hand. Sure, it might be half-assed, but it sure beats getting your face slapped, right?

While we will attempt to provide you with a few ideas, feel free to be creative! Get out there and barter for items you might need! Don't be shy this is Burning Man!

Idea #1 - Mobile Strip Poker Camp

Simplicity is this idea's greatest asset. All you need is a deck of cards. Don't try to lure participants back to your camp this could be perceived as creepy but instead seek out people in more public venues: the Center Camp Caf, Bianca's Smut Shack, etc. Simply walk up to a group of women, and ask them if they want to play strip poker (or Crazy 8s, Go Fish, whatever).

Idea #2 - Roving Nipple Artist

You could put a lot of effort into this one, but why bother? Convince women that you are an artist, and with any luck, they will allow you to draw little decorative designs around their nipples. To make this idea more polished, hunt around and barter for some body paint, but in a pinch, just use a ballpoint pen.

Idea #3 - Instant Duct-Tape Bikinis While-U-Wait!

If you have lots of duct tape (and if you don't, why don't you, you lunkhead?), there's no reason you can't make clothing out of it. Chances are, even hardcore Burners will think a duct-tape bikini is pretty cool. Applying baby powder before beginning construction is nice, but not necessary. In the unlikely event that you are asked to create matching bottoms, ensure that the individual you are taping is cleanly shaven. Hey! There's an idea for another service!

Idea #4 X-Ray Glasses Camp!

First, you convince a few passing chiquitas to "Stop being spectators!" Then, you kindly ask them to take their clothes off and go into your tent. Okay, this may sound a little avant garde for some people, but this isn't your Granny's bake sale...it's Burning Man, fer chrissakes! When your tent is filled with naked ladies, you accost some other passer-by. You give him or her these crazy glasses and tell 'em they're x-ray glasses and that they should put them on and then go into your tent, where there's a bunch of fully clothed people hanging out. He or she will go inside and be shocked and amazed that everyone does look naked! Then and this is the most important part you go into the tent and check out all the Chesty McBoobs.

Idea #5 - Boobs Across America!

You remember Hands Across America, don't you? Well, you tell people that you're organizing "Boobs Across America," the goal of which is to have women of all colors and creeds put their boobs side by side, forming a giant mammarian chain that stretches across this great land we call America. Then you tell them it's going to start right then and there! When they take off their shirts and put their boobs together well, who's the king prawn now? That's right, you are.

Idea #6 - The Ruby Bra

Especially appealing to Cinderella fans, this activity will guarantee a Hefneresque level of booblage. You'll need a red bra, and you'll need to dress up as a fairy-tale prince. (Don't worry if you look gay or foppish, women find this comforting and non-threatening.) Then, walk around Black Rock City repeating the phrase: "I am looking for the woman who will fit into this Ruby Bra...The one for whom it is destined will be guaranteed untold riches." If you play it up, women will be more than willing to see if they're the lucky winner. Hint: Make sure the Ruby Bra has one cup that's way, way bigger than the other one, so that it doesn't fit anyone.

And if all else fails, well, you can always just watch the Critical Tits bike ride. Good luck!

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