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A cop's guide to Burning Man
by Osama Bin Larry

So here you are at Burning Man. Newly-arrived from the Academy and freshly promoted to your brand new job in law enforcement, complete with spit-shined shoes from Wal-Mart and a polished revolver from K-Mart.

So what to do? Bust pot smokers for toking in the tent? Fine ravers for E'ing in the open? Ticket all those bare titties you really want to grope? Or just make fun of all the people that are different from you?

Well, hold on there Jack Webb! Why don't you just sit down, loosen your 46-inch belt, and read this helpful article filled with advice to handle all the Burning nuttiness!

Back off!
Instead of rolling up in your SUVs with shotguns and assault rifles at the ready, try approaching people with respect and kindness. Or better yet, leave them alone. In case you haven't noticed, that's why most of us come to Burning Man - to get away from guys like you.

SWAT is a four-letter word
As your fellow Nazis in Blue will attest, the only people that bring "real guns" to Burning Man are you. Most us aren't armed, nor do we want to be. To be quite honest, no one at Burning Man wants to harm or hurt any one. Especially not you, Piggy Sue. That's why every camp you walk into, people look at you and turn away. Not because they break the law and hide, but because you came around wearing a steel phallus on your hip.

Gifts not guns
When you go into a theme camp, a gift of a bag of potato chips goes a lot further than all the weaponry in our bloated military budget. Yes, I know, the sheriff, your boss and uncle-father, will be mighty pissed off to find out that all the money he spent on tactical gear and helicopters might have been better spent on a couple bags of Ruffles and a case of Budweiser.

I see drug users everywhere!
Believe it or not, one of the reasons people drive thousands of miles to get here is to get high. More importantly, get high without you staring over their shoulders.

Yes, yes, I know. Law, law, breaking the law, upholding the law, make me yawn. Nevada is getting ready to decriminalize pot! More than any other state in the union, Nevada stands for state's rights! The people wanted gambling and prostitution and they got it. They're getting ready to decriminalize pot. The fact of the matter is, there is no law that says you can't look the other way. You do it all the time, anyway. You let crack users skate, and you let cocaine dealers back on the street, because in reality if you arrested every one who used illegal drugs, we'd all be in jail including your sister-wife and your cousin-brother.

Let people have their fun. Let people get high and get fucked up for six days in their lives without thinking what's going to happen when the Law finds them.

And on the seventh day, we can all be back in your world were you have the power of the state and we're all just peons.
In other words, don't be a pig!
The fact of the matter is, police have earned back a lot of the respect and admiration that they had lost due to the tragic events of 9/11. Don't prove that respect misplaced.

All I ask is that you, good officer, prove yourself to be really worthy of trust and respect. Don't be just another goose-stepping pig, marching through the camps, and rousting every one you see. Prove that you are worth the title of "hero." Quite simply, don't be another pig.

This article excerpted from the Yahoo Education Project pamphlet. (http://www.yahoopamphlet.com) The YEP team hands out these educational pamphlets to any suspicious yahoos on the loose. Stop by the original Light Brite camp for a copy or check out Center Camp and various porta-potties around the playa.



2002 Piss Clear
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