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How to enjoy the Burning Man experience from the comfort of your own home

  • Pitch your tent next to the biggest speaker in a crowded, noisy club. Go to sleep.
  • Pay an escort of your affectional preference subset to not bathe for five days, cover themselves in glitter, dust, and sunscreen, wear a skanky neon wig, dance close naked, and say they have a lover back home.
  • Drain all the water from your toilet. Vacuum it every three days. Hide all your toilet paper.
  • Throw a sprawling and drunken week-long party. Spend the next five weeks meticulously cleaning every square inch of your house.
  • Stack all your fans in one corner of your living room. Turn them on full. Dump a vacuum cleaner bag in front of them.
  • Sprinkle dirty sand in all your food.
  • Bust your ass for a 'community.' See all the attention focused on the drama queen cry-baby.
  • Spend thousands of dollars on a deeply personal art work. Burn it.
  • Set up a DJ system downwind of a three-alarm fire. Play a short loop of drum 'n' bass until the embers are cold.
  • Have a 3 AM soul baring conversation with a drag nun in platforms, a crocodile, and Bugs Bunny. Be unable to tell if you're hallucinating. Lust after Bugs Bunny.

-- Jahn Rosstafarai

2002 Piss Clear
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