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Out on the town
by Katie Kitty

It's just little ol' me, Katie Kitty! Omigod, I'm am so completely jazzed to be writing for Piss Clear again this year. Can you believe it? In my "straight" life, I'm an administrative assistant at Pinch, Polk and Prober in Los Angeles. But in my "alternative" life, I'm now a journalist with my finger on the pulse of our beloved Black Rock City.

Let me start by saying that when I heard about this year's great theme, "Beyond Belief," I was so inspired that I decided to start my own theme camp!

A theme camp about me!
Who is Beyond Belief? Well I am, of course! All the boys at the mall are always saying so. My daddy, who absolutely worships me, says so too. So it was only natural that I would come up with the idea for the Temple of Kitty! Catchy, isn't it?

Since we're all veteran Burners (this is my third year on the playa, girlfriends) I decided that I would grace our city with something everyone loves: me! Who wouldn't want to come and adore my perfect hair, straight white teeth, beautiful natural-looking tan, bountiful ta-tas (they're real, boys, tee-hee), and overall shapely figure. Also, my sense of style is unmatched, since I mix the alternative with the classy. I'm definitely a star at Burning Man and everyone can now come to my camp and worship me!

But it isn't just about me, girls. No way! Out on the Town is also about doing Burning Man in style. So here are a few of the things I've learned about theme camps and how to make them totally killer!

Your own theme camp!
We all know that Burning Man is a great place to be seen and to network, but setting up a theme camp is hard work, folks! It isn't just about setting up a nice kitchen and shade structure. It isn't just about painting your theme camp sign and figuring out how to put it in the playa. It isn't just about decorating the place with weird things you bought at the thrift store when you were slumming in Long Beach. No, there is real planning involved and I'm here for you, sister, so you too can be popular and cool with it!

Leave no trace!
My newbie friends Brandi and Zoe asked me, "Suppose you have a lapse in judgment one day and eat solid food? How do you deal with vomit chucks in your gray water, Katie?"

Well, we all know about Leave No Trace and this includes those mushy bits of undigested food, too! I suggest putting cheesecloth in your barf bowl, so that when you upchuck, the water strains though and the chunks are caught. Then you can burn off that icky food on a fire platform! Our hunky campmate Chad came up with a great idea too! Once you've removed the chunks, filter all your gray water though a set of misters at the entrance to your camp! The citizens will love you for it and you'll be doing your part to keep the playa clean!

Fashion shows are hip!
Goddesses and angels are hot this year. You've been working out all year so you can strut your stuff, and having a fashion show is a great way to make sure all eyes are on you!

This year, we're highlighting the theme with bindis, sarongs, angel wings, and those cool modern primitive tongue and nose piercings. I tell you, I'm so alternative it makes my head spin. Back in LA, the boys just eat me up because I'm so different, and now you can come and see me modeling my favorite looks.

From my Ultra Low Rise Jeans to my Pierced Belly Button to my Super Slutty Rock Star Wear, you should see what us cool people are wearing in BRC. Since our boys in the military killed the evil-doers in those countries where the hijackers came from on that fateful day, anything with an American flag on it is hip! Show off your stuff, all you true patriots!

I'm even going to have a thong contest - oh yeah! - for all you girls who want to show off what you've got! If you're not looking good, people will think you're from San Francisco! I am so sure!

San Francisco may have started Burning Man, but LA is what makes Burning Man hot!

Art is fun to look at!
Imagination is when you have an idea in your head that is weird, funky, or alternative. You can let your imagination go crazy at Burning Man. You'll see what I mean, so I hope you brought your camera! All the pretty art everywhere will definitely inspire you to make some of your own. I suggest something original like glow necklaces on a post inside your camp.

Of course, you can also have large, poster-sized photos of yourself hanging in your camp. That way, when you're out on the town going to all the rave camps on the Esplanade, people will recognize you. Let them know you're a girl gone wild! If you got it, flaunt it, girls! Theme camp ideas

There are so many great theme camps at Burning Man. I'm doing one this year and you should too! Here are a couple we'd like to see:

Massage Bed and Breakfast: With all the working out you do, it would be nice to have a relaxing therapeutic massage. Sure, there are already massage camps out here, but is it too much to ask for sports massage treatments, facials, and aromatherapy, all in a calm, relaxing environment? Air conditioning would be nice, too.

I Love to Shop Camp: Whether you're here for a day or a week, we all miss the mall. How about a camp where we could browse and shop for our faves? A replica of Rodeo Drive would be nice. One of the hardest things in BRC is missing my Coco Chanel, Ralph Lauren, Valentino, and Tiffany.

Camp Uplift: Get wild during Critical Tits, girls! But if you aren't fortunate to have breast augmentation or naturally perky ta-tas like me, wouldn't it be nice to have a place where you can have a professional put invisi-lift body tape under your boobs, so they don't heave down like udders? I mean, really!

Find your special Burning Man hottie, wow!
Theme camps sure are a lot of work! But remember, it will all pay off when you find your hunk of Burning Love. And when you've got a theme camp, it is so much easier to find them.

As long as you are hot and have plenty of girls gone wild, the hunky guys will flock to your camp day and night. You'll have the pick of the litter! Tee hee!

Just go through the line of guys wearing backwards baseball caps and Mardi Gras beads like they are interviewing for a job! What could be better ladies? It may not rain in the desert, but it'll be raining men at your camp!

When you pick one, or as many as you want, always remember the Rules of Dealing With Our Kind of Boys. Make sure:

  • They don't slip anything into your drink.
  • You get their real name and location where they're staying.
  • That you're somewhere where people can hear you scream if he's too "rowdy."
  • And be sure to bring condoms and practice safe sex if you take the plunge. Boys will be boys!
So good luck, girls! I'm so happy to be writing again this year. Hugs to you all and remember, Katie Kitty loves you! C-ya on the playa! Make sure to stop by the Temple of Kitty!

This article also appears in the Yahoo Education Project pamphlet. The YEP team hands out these educational pamphlets to any suspicious yahoos on the loose.

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