Bitter Love 1998
sex advice by Dan Bitter
24-year-old het male, and this is my first year at Burning Man. I came here at
the advice of a friend, who told me that, during the festival, a lot of women
walk around topless wearing blue body paint. My friend recommended Burning Man
to me when I told him of my ultimate fantasy, which goes way back to my early
childhood. This particular fantasy involves the Saturday morning cartoon
character Smurfette, and for reasons of common decency I will spare you the
is, how soon after meeting my azure amore should I confess my true intentions?
What is the likelihood I will just be slapped and called a perverted freak? Is
÷ Papa Smurf
Smurfette a minor, you perverted freak? But on to your question:
usually a good idea to establish trust in a relationship before divulging this
sort of twisted fantasy to a partner, and trust takes time. However, here at
Burning Man, we are not given the luxury of time. So I recommend the shortcut:
alcohol. Get your blue babe good and drunk, and chances are she'll think the
Smurf angle is pretty damn funny ÷ at least I did, and I'm pretty hammered
bring any food to the desert (unless you count my Viagra prescription). Can I
subsist on my own jism? Is this normal?
÷ Hard & Hungry
own jism? What are you, some kind of frickin' homo?
question I called up Dr. Eugene Viscous, author of Semen, Nutrition, and You, and the foremost expert on
"cum-sumption" in America. According to Dr. Viscous, the average load
of spunk contains 3 grams of protein and about 40 calories. (That's one
"point," for Weight Watchers members.) As a human being, you automatically
burn around 1600 calories a day without even trying. So in order to survive,
you'd have to jack off at least 40 times a day. I don't know how well that
Viagra works, but this would sure put it to the test, wouldn't it?
For a more
practical alternative, you could always fill up on other people's jism. I'm sure there are plenty of guys out here
looking for quick blowjobs. Why not be resourceful and turn your camp into
White House Intern Theme Camp? Just be sure to get everyone's home phone number
though. That way, if you contract some disease, you can start narrowing down
who gave it to you.
19-year-old student at Wellesley College, and I came to Burning Man because I
heard that it was a safe, tight-knit community. But when I got out here, I was
surprised to learn that men are allowed to come. How can I feel free to be
myself when there are men here?
÷ Thought It Was Safe
Burning Man, not the Lilith Fair. Go play a folk song or something.
utterly apalled to read the advice you gave to "Burning For The Man"
(Piss Clear, #5, 28 August 1997), in
which you advised him to wait until after the Man burns and then have sex with
the remains. Your flip and pithy suggestion reeked of necrophilia, which is not
only illegal in all fifty states (including Nevada), but is also morally
repugnant and truly contemptible. Encouraging your impressionable readers to
have sex with anything that's dead is inexcusable. How dare you!
÷ Truly Sickened Old Lady
death, did anyone happen to see that one episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer that briefly mentioned Burning Man? Now I
know for sure that that show is cool. Besides, Sarah Michelle Geller is so
fucking hot, she makes the Black Rock Desert feel like an ice cold frozen
margarita. Hmm... that actually sounds pretty good. I think I'll go have
Got a question for Dan Bitter? Keep it to yourself, asshole.