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Bitter Love 1998
sex advice by Dan Bitter

Hey Breeder!

I'm a 24-year-old het male, and this is my first year at Burning Man. I came here at the advice of a friend, who told me that, during the festival, a lot of women walk around topless wearing blue body paint. My friend recommended Burning Man to me when I told him of my ultimate fantasy, which goes way back to my early childhood. This particular fantasy involves the Saturday morning cartoon character Smurfette, and for reasons of common decency I will spare you the sordid details.

My question is, how soon after meeting my azure amore should I confess my true intentions? What is the likelihood I will just be slapped and called a perverted freak? Is this normal?

Papa Smurf

Hey P.S.:

Isn't Smurfette a minor, you perverted freak? But on to your question:

It's usually a good idea to establish trust in a relationship before divulging this sort of twisted fantasy to a partner, and trust takes time. However, here at Burning Man, we are not given the luxury of time. So I recommend the shortcut: alcohol. Get your blue babe good and drunk, and chances are she'll think the Smurf angle is pretty damn funny at least I did, and I'm pretty hammered right now.

Hey Breeder!

I didn't bring any food to the desert (unless you count my Viagra prescription). Can I subsist on my own jism? Is this normal?

Hard & Hungry

Hey H&H:

Drink your own jism? What are you, some kind of frickin' homo?

For this question I called up Dr. Eugene Viscous, author of Semen, Nutrition, and You, and the foremost expert on "cum-sumption" in America. According to Dr. Viscous, the average load of spunk contains 3 grams of protein and about 40 calories. (That's one "point," for Weight Watchers members.) As a human being, you automatically burn around 1600 calories a day without even trying. So in order to survive, you'd have to jack off at least 40 times a day. I don't know how well that Viagra works, but this would sure put it to the test, wouldn't it?

For a more practical alternative, you could always fill up on other people's jism. I'm sure there are plenty of guys out here looking for quick blowjobs. Why not be resourceful and turn your camp into White House Intern Theme Camp? Just be sure to get everyone's home phone number though. That way, if you contract some disease, you can start narrowing down who gave it to you.

Hey Breeder!

I'm a 19-year-old student at Wellesley College, and I came to Burning Man because I heard that it was a safe, tight-knit community. But when I got out here, I was surprised to learn that men are allowed to come. How can I feel free to be myself when there are men here?

Thought It Was Safe

Hey TIWS:

This is Burning Man, not the Lilith Fair. Go play a folk song or something.

Hey Breeder!

I was utterly apalled to read the advice you gave to "Burning For The Man" (Piss Clear, #5, 28 August 1997), in which you advised him to wait until after the Man burns and then have sex with the remains. Your flip and pithy suggestion reeked of necrophilia, which is not only illegal in all fifty states (including Nevada), but is also morally repugnant and truly contemptible. Encouraging your impressionable readers to have sex with anything that's dead is inexcusable. How dare you!

Truly Sickened Old Lady

Hey TSOL:

Whatever, bitch.

Speaking of death, did anyone happen to see that one episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer that briefly mentioned Burning Man? Now I know for sure that that show is cool. Besides, Sarah Michelle Geller is so fucking hot, she makes the Black Rock Desert feel like an ice cold frozen margarita. Hmm... that actually sounds pretty good. I think I'll go have another.

Got a question for Dan Bitter? Keep it to yourself, asshole.



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