Bitter Love 2000
sex advice by Dan Bitter
answer this year's questions, I wanted to take this opportunity to tell you
about my new book, The Kid: Why I Adopted
One When I'm So Broke I Had To Publish A Book Just To Make Ends Meet. I'll
be reading from my book and signing copies at the Black Rock Bookstore on
Friday afternoon. Now, on to the questions:
straight girl from Ohio. First thing yesterday morning, I went to Camp
Sunscreen to get a full-body sunscreen massage by some super-hunky guys. The
lotion they used didn't feel anything at all like sunscreen, though. It was
viscous and sticky, and it left a crust when it dried. The worst part is, it
didn't even work! I got a really bad sunburn. What went wrong?
÷ Red, White, and Blew
You need to
find some men with higher SPF ratings. And speaking of the sun, I just adopted
a son! Read all about him in my new book, The
Kid: Why I Adopted One When I'm So Broke I Had To Publish A Book Just To Make
Ends Meet. It's available at finer bookstores throughout the playa.
told me about these "glory holes" on the playa, where you can just
walk up and stick one of your body parts into them, and that you'll receive
oral pleasure from an anonymous person of unknown gender. So I went to the
Jiffy Lube Lounge, looking for the glory holes, but I couldn't find them. Now
of course, I'm not gay or anything, but where can I find these holes?
÷ Not Gay Or Anything
Hey Faggot (I've always wanted to say that):
Everyone knows that glory holes are inside the big blue box things lined up all
around the playa. Why do you think the lines are so long to get into one? Just
lift the cover and lie on top of the hole with your dick sticking down into it.
If you don't feel anything at first, thrust a little deeper. Have a blast.
speaking of holes, you can read the "whole" story of how I adopted a
kid, in my new book, which, for simplicity, I will from now on abbreviate as TK:WIAOWISBIHTPABJTMEM.
watching the Critical Tits topless bike ride, but the girls don't look very
excited, if you catch my drift. Can't they all put ice on their nipples before
they start riding?
÷ Everything I Know I
Learned From The Movie Showgirls
the main goal of the bike ride is undoubtedly to tittilate
scumbags like you, I suggest you apply the ice yourself.
While you're at
it, why don't you pinch a few nipples, too? I'm sure they'll
love you for it.
See ya, Pollyanna.
speaking of ice... um, well, there's really no way I can stretch this
into a plug, is there? Never mind.
Dear Dr. Drew:
16-year-old girl, and this is my first year at Burning Man. I find that I have
a real strong attraction to long-haired guitar players with tattoos, of which
there seem to be several here on the playa. Is this normal?
obviously molested by your father. Get some therapy.
Confidential to The Man:
exploding is not uncommon, especially with the added pressure of being watched
by 28,000 anxious people. Try thinking about baseball statistics.
Got a question for Dan Bitter? Keep it to yourself, asshole!