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Bitter Love 2000
sex advice by Dan Bitter

Hey Everyone:

Before I answer this year's questions, I wanted to take this opportunity to tell you about my new book, The Kid: Why I Adopted One When I'm So Broke I Had To Publish A Book Just To Make Ends Meet. I'll be reading from my book and signing copies at the Black Rock Bookstore on Friday afternoon. Now, on to the questions:

Hey Breeder:

I'm a straight girl from Ohio. First thing yesterday morning, I went to Camp Sunscreen to get a full-body sunscreen massage by some super-hunky guys. The lotion they used didn't feel anything at all like sunscreen, though. It was viscous and sticky, and it left a crust when it dried. The worst part is, it didn't even work! I got a really bad sunburn. What went wrong?

Red, White, and Blew All Over


You need to find some men with higher SPF ratings. And speaking of the sun, I just adopted a son! Read all about him in my new book, The Kid: Why I Adopted One When I'm So Broke I Had To Publish A Book Just To Make Ends Meet. It's available at finer bookstores throughout the playa.

Hey Breeder:

Somebody told me about these "glory holes" on the playa, where you can just walk up and stick one of your body parts into them, and that you'll receive oral pleasure from an anonymous person of unknown gender. So I went to the Jiffy Lube Lounge, looking for the glory holes, but I couldn't find them. Now of course, I'm not gay or anything, but where can I find these holes?

Not Gay Or Anything

Hey Faggot (I've always wanted to say that):

Silly! Everyone knows that glory holes are inside the big blue box things lined up all around the playa. Why do you think the lines are so long to get into one? Just lift the cover and lie on top of the hole with your dick sticking down into it. If you don't feel anything at first, thrust a little deeper. Have a blast.

And speaking of holes, you can read the "whole" story of how I adopted a kid, in my new book, which, for simplicity, I will from now on abbreviate as TK:WIAOWISBIHTPABJTMEM.

Hey Breeder:

I love watching the Critical Tits topless bike ride, but the girls don't look very excited, if you catch my drift. Can't they all put ice on their nipples before they start riding?

Everything I Know I Learned From The Movie Showgirls


Well, since the main goal of the bike ride is undoubtedly to tittilate

scumbags like you, I suggest you apply the ice yourself. While you're at

it, why don't you pinch a few nipples, too? I'm sure they'll love you for it.

See ya, Pollyanna.

And speaking of ice... um, well, there's really no way I can stretch this

into a plug, is there? Never mind.

Dear Dr. Drew:

I'm a 16-year-old girl, and this is my first year at Burning Man. I find that I have a real strong attraction to long-haired guitar players with tattoos, of which there seem to be several here on the playa. Is this normal?


Hey G:

You were obviously molested by your father. Get some therapy.

Confidential to The Man:

Premature exploding is not uncommon, especially with the added pressure of being watched by 28,000 anxious people. Try thinking about baseball statistics.

Got a question for Dan Bitter? Keep it to yourself, asshole!

2002 Piss Clear
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