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Bitter Love 2001
sex advice from Dan Bitter

Dear Dan:

My girlfriend and I are both in our early 20s and polyamorous. This is our first time at Burning Man, and I was wondering where we can go to find other couples like us. Any ideas?

Cute, Randy And Poly

Dear CRAP:

The question isn't where you can go to find people like you - the question is: where can *I* go to AVOID people like you. Are you kidding? Ninety percent of everyone here is so-called 'polyamorous,' even if it's just what most of us call 'CHEATING.' Polyamory is just one of those words people make up to feel like they're doing something new and original, on the bleeding edge of sex technology. Really, it's just that the word 'swinger' sounds totally dork-ass these days. But admit it, that's what you are. So where can you find other swingers? Try Camp Fondue - I hear there's a key party on Friday.

Dear Dan:

I don't know if you remember me, but you recently published my letter about my obnoxious campmate who kept coming into my tent while I was having sex with strange men I'd met on the playa. Well, I took your advice and bludgeoned him to death with a piece of rebar, but now all these FBI agents and cops and Black Rock Rangers are supposedly looking for me. Apparently I'm some kind of murder suspect. What do I do now?

I Follow Useful, Creative, Knowledge-Enriched Directions Utterly

Perfectly

Dear I FUCKED UP:

I'm so sorry! I forgot the most important piece of advice: you also need to kill any witnesses, cops, District Attorneys, and anyone else who might be interfering with your quality of life here on the playa as a result of this incident. Hope you didn't throw that piece of rebar away yet!

Dear Dan:

I'm a straight-acting, tranny-chasing lipstick lesbian trapped in the body of a bi-curious, leather-queen gendermorph. I'm comfortable as a top or a bottom, but I usually prefer the middle. I'm into heavy S&M, light B&D, some M&M, BBC, R&D, and PDQ. Lately I've been into corkscrewing and meta-fisting, and I'm dying to try teledildonic watersports. Myquestion is: where can I go at Burning Man to find others like me?

Just A Normal Kooky Youngster

Dear JANKY:

Mom, is that you? I told you to stop bugging me when I'm working...

Hey Everyone:

A while ago I asked my loyal readers to send in suggestions for a cute, snappy word for giving a blowjob with a mouthful of playa mud while on fire. The three top contenders are Slippery Blowtorching, Mudflapping Farenheit 451, and Sliding Down the Fire Pole. Personally, I almost removed the first option from the running, as I'm afraid my Aunt Blowtorch would be terribly offended and would never forgive me. You can vote by writing your favorite down and giving it to one of the friendly Cafe workers. May the best word win!



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