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Bitter Love 2003
sex advice from Dan Bitter

Hey Everyone:

The more astute readers among you may recall that last year's Bitter Love was a rerun due to my long-overdue vacation. And the really astute readers among you may be wondering, "How is it that a job that lasts just one week out of the year justifies a vacation?" Well, touché. The pathetic truth is: people just stopped writing in with decent problems. When this happens to advice columnists of a lesser caliber, it is tempting to simply (gasp) fabricate questions on their own. Not me. I'm too fucking lazy. So send me mail, damn it! These questions don't write themselves. I'm sure there are a few loons out there on the playa with bizarre sex problems that they're too embarrassed to ask their campmates about. Fire away!

That said, a few brave souls have dropped off questions for me at the Piss Clear headquarters in Center Camp, and it's just enough to make this year's column. Oh, and this year sees a return to the classic salutation, "Hey Breeder." Perhaps certain other advice columnists will follow my lead and revert to their own charming classic salutations...

Hey Breeder!

A few weeks ago, I ran across a column by one of your competitors, where there was a long discussion and reader-vote about naming a sex act after Rick Santorum in retribution for his homophobic remarks. After reading that, I was inspired to launch a similar campaign to name a sex act after Larry Harvey. Larry hasn't really done anything offensive, but the opportunity is just too good to pass up. What should a "Harvey" refer to?

- Amateur Slang Sire With Intriguing Pseudonym Effort


We don't need to go to a reader vote on this; the answer is obvious. A "Harvey" is when your sex partner starts out doing something really original and exciting, but the more times they do it, the more boring it becomes, and they just keep doing it anyway, over and over again, until you don't even want to come anymore.

But readers, go ahead and send in some other suggestions anyway, and while we're at it, let's vote on a sex act to be named after House Rep. Hieronymous Blowjob (R-Delaware) who recently made some very derogatory comments regarding fellatio.

Hey Breeder!

Who do you think is hotter, the DPW crew or the Black Rock Rangers? And is there a uniform bar on the playa?

- Boyish, Irresistibly Great, Gay, Uniform Lovin' Pimp


According to the DPW section of BurningMan.com (no doubt penned by a DPW insider), the DPW crew are heroic, determined, hardworking, responsible, creative, interesting, dedicated, and unusual individuals. That pretty much clinches it for me - the Rangers win hands down.

If you love a man in a uniform, though, I highly recommend the cops and the Feds. Cozy up to a hunky one and offer him a joint first; that'll break the ice.

Hey Breeder!

This is my first time at Burning Man, and I'm camping with a few other lesbians at Toaster Oven Camp. All of these women are complete slobs, but my tentmate is the worst! Not only does she keep the tent a mess, she has no style or culture, and she's got pitiful taste in clothes and food. Back when I was straight, my boyfriends weren't even this bad. Help! How can I fix her?

- Lesbian Senior At UC Santa Cruz

Hey LUG (sic)!

You're in luck, because they're shooting a new reality TV show here, called Straight Eye For The Butch Dyke, and guess who was chosen to be part of the cast? That's right... I may be fashion-impaired and interior-design-blind, but at least I'm better off than the average lesbian! My team and I will arrive at your camp in the morning, and by the time you're ready to leave for the Candlelight Spiritual Step Meeting, you won't even recognize Ms. Pigsty, or your newly decorated quarters. Let's see... a Nagel print over here... an autographed football over there... We think the show will be a big hit, because there's nothing lesbians enjoys more than inviting five straight guys over to tell them what to do.

Got a question for Dan? Keep it to yourself, asshole!

2002 Piss Clear
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