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Platitudes for the playa: trite advice and trendy tips
by Sister Dana Van Iquity

So you've managed to get your tired and/or torrid ass onto the playa. So now what? Did you forget that this is the opportunity of a lifetime, or at least for 1996, to show off your special sartorial skills--or at the very least, to throw something remotely fabulous together to strut around the desert in? Well, did you?

Or are you among the teeny-tiny minority of crabby folk who are upset and embarrassed by those who are sashaying around here in outlandish costumes, soaking up camera-time in the media spotlight? As one who has been on both sides of the camera, let me assure you--those newsy floozies want to see colorful, creative people. So, flame on, burning people! That's your cue...

Oh, I see. You're a deer--or is that a dear?--caught in the proverbial headlights. You're totally frozen, not knowing how to dress for success in the desert. Let Sister Dana show you how.

It's really quite simple, sweetie. Be you straight, gay, lesbian, bi, transgender, horny-as-fuck, or anything in-between--it's all about survival with savoir faire. Pretend you're on Cindy Crawford's runway and she suddenly asks you to improvise with an outfit. Can you do it? Of course you can! Take your tawdry tee shirt and tear it to bits. Rip and strip your undies in a sexy, seductive style. Paint your face to filth. Know that you're going out there an unknown--but honey, you'll return a star!

So, now that you're a star, repeat three times the sacred, magical Make-Up Mantra For The Playa: "Never wear oil-based base." Unless, of course, you have a ton of water and cold cream to wipe it off with. Water-based base and watery facial paints can be quickly, easily done away with--perfect for when you're done with costuming and need to appear au naturelle, ready to cruise for a date.

Speaking of being naked, nude, bare, or in otherwise birthday-suited attire, there is never a need to adorn one's bare-assed being in anything other than the sensational skin he or she was born in. Except for perhaps a tasteful, single strand of pearls. Or a glow-in-the-dark cockring. Or a teeny-tiny tittie adornment. Or a lascivious labia accessory.

Also, don't be afraid to wear white pumps. Miss Manners won't scold you until after Labor Day, at which time those ivory stilettos must go! And if you choose to wear spiked "fuck-me" heels, we must applaud you for aerating the soil on the Playa. Plow away, girl!

Now while I realize that you're drinking copious amounts of water to stave off dehydration, be sure to never ever inadvertently pee on your outfit, which leaves, of course, an icky-nasty yellow stain. However, if you happen to be wearing a big, huge hoop skirt, you may kindly disregard this warning. Just squat, and piss to your heart's content--nobody will be the wiser.

This brings me to the bottom line of this whole thing, which just so happens to be the title of this periodical: piss clear. As in, piss clear of everyone's costumes, which entails not urinating on anyone else's drag. Got it? Good. Now go out there and work it, bitch!



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