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Attaining the Perfect Playa Experience
by Dr. Lizard

The Anal Retention Camp Demonstration Project is again being hosted in Disturbia village this year for those who still haven't had a chance to benefit from the efforts of Disturbia's hard-working Chief Sphincter, yours truly, the illustrious Dr. Lizard. In past years, many first-timers and even veterans have been able to realize the goals of a Perfect Playa Experienceϊ by applying the simple rules of Anal Retention Camp.

So just what is Anal Retention Camp all about anyway? Well, let's look at the root term, "Anal Retention." Anal Retention isn't just about holding your shit in χ it's about holding your shit together. As we all know, in recent years there have been more and more people showing up at Burning Man who just can't keep their shit together. And they are having an increasingly deleterious effect on the so-called Burning Man Experience.

Have you ever sat down to take a dump, and it all came out in one smooth, long, whoooosh? Aaahh. And then when you went to wipe, there was nothing there on the toilet paper? Now that's the feeling we're talking about. Anal Retention isn't just about waiting until the perfect time to take a shit... it's about taking simple steps to ensure that all of your shit comes out perfectly.

On the playa, where so many factors are beyond your control, it is essential to control those few factors you can. By adhering to a very simple set of rules, and structuring one's behavior accordingly, it is possible to have the Perfect Playa Experience, and impart qualities of this experience to those around you. These rules have been developed and tested over several years' worth of Burning Man Experiences, and they really work. The Anal Retention Camp Demonstration Project is here to show you how. If you can just follow these rules, you too can have the Perfect Playa Experience. Actually, many of these rules are applicable off the playa as well. It isn't that difficult; most people learn how to hold their shit together by the age of five.

Anal Retention Camp Rules

1.ΚΚΚΚΚΚΚΚ Drink enough water so that you piss clear.

2.ΚΚΚΚΚΚΚΚ Never leave camp without battening down your stuff against sudden wind.

3. ΚΚΚΚΚΚΚ Clean up your mess when you make it, not "later."

4.ΚΚΚΚΚΚΚΚ Put everything back where you found it.

5.ΚΚΚΚΚΚΚΚ Carry water with you at all times.

6.ΚΚΚΚΚΚΚΚ Apply sunscreen to your entire body before you get dressed.

7.ΚΚΚΚΚΚΚΚ Put the lid up to pee (guys).

8. ΚΚΚΚΚΚΚ Put the lid down to shit (everyone).

9.ΚΚΚΚΚΚΚΚ Don't shit on the fucking seat!

10.ΚΚΚΚΚΚ Pack out all your trash.

11.ΚΚΚΚΚΚ Carry your cigarette butts with you.

12.ΚΚΚΚΚΚ Take responsibility for all your actions.

13.ΚΚΚΚΚΚ Even under the influence of psychoactive substances!

14.ΚΚΚΚΚΚ Your right to swing your fist ends at the next person's nose.

15.ΚΚΚΚΚΚ Finish all your beverages.

16.ΚΚΚΚΚΚ Recycle the containers.

17.ΚΚΚΚΚΚ Clean your own dishes.

18.ΚΚΚΚΚΚ Don't hassle the cops.

19.ΚΚΚΚΚΚ Don't hassle the naked chicks.

20.ΚΚΚΚΚΚ Help as many people as have helped you. Or more.

21.ΚΚΚΚΚΚ Give as much as is given to you. Or more.

22.ΚΚΚΚΚΚ Bring enough water for anything.

23.ΚΚΚΚΚΚ Don't leave anything lighter than an anvil laying about.

24.ΚΚΚΚΚΚ Do what you say you're going to do.

25.ΚΚΚΚΚΚ Leave the world a better place than you found it.

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