Attaining the Perfect Playa Experience
by Dr. Lizard
Retention Camp Demonstration Project is again being hosted in Disturbia village
this year for those who still haven't had a chance to benefit from the efforts
of Disturbia's hard-working Chief Sphincter, yours truly, the illustrious Dr.
Lizard. In past years, many first-timers and even veterans have been able to
realize the goals of a Perfect Playa Experienceϊ by applying the simple rules
of Anal Retention Camp.
what is Anal Retention Camp all about anyway? Well, let's look at the root
term, "Anal Retention." Anal Retention isn't just about holding your
shit in χ it's about holding your shit together.
As we all know, in recent years there have been more and more people showing up
at Burning Man who just can't keep their shit
together. And they are having an increasingly deleterious effect on the
so-called Burning Man Experience.
ever sat down to take a dump, and it all came out in one smooth, long, whoooosh? Aaahh. And then when you went
to wipe, there was nothing there on the toilet paper? Now that's the feeling
we're talking about. Anal Retention isn't just about waiting until the perfect
time to take a shit... it's about taking simple steps to ensure that all of
your shit comes out perfectly.
playa, where so many factors are beyond your control, it is essential to
control those few factors you can. By adhering to a very simple set of rules,
and structuring one's behavior accordingly, it is possible to have the Perfect
Playa Experience, and impart qualities of this experience to those around you.
These rules have been developed and tested over several years' worth of Burning
Man Experiences, and they really work. The Anal Retention Camp Demonstration
Project is here to show you how. If you can just
follow these rules, you too can have the Perfect Playa Experience. Actually,
many of these rules are applicable off the playa as well. It isn't that
difficult; most people learn how to hold their shit together by the age of
Anal Retention Camp Rules
1.ΚΚΚΚΚΚΚΚ Drink enough
water so that you piss clear.
2.ΚΚΚΚΚΚΚΚ Never leave
camp without battening down your stuff against sudden wind.
3. ΚΚΚΚΚΚΚ Clean up
your mess when you make it, not
everything back where you found it.
5.ΚΚΚΚΚΚΚΚ Carry water
with you at all times.
sunscreen to your entire body before you get dressed.
7.ΚΚΚΚΚΚΚΚ Put the lid
up to pee (guys).
8. ΚΚΚΚΚΚΚ Put the lid
down to shit (everyone).
9.ΚΚΚΚΚΚΚΚ Don't shit
on the fucking seat!
10.ΚΚΚΚΚΚ Pack out all
11.ΚΚΚΚΚΚ Carry your
cigarette butts with you.
responsibility for all your actions.
13.ΚΚΚΚΚΚ Even under
the influence of psychoactive substances!
14.ΚΚΚΚΚΚ Your right to
swing your fist ends at the next person's nose.
15.ΚΚΚΚΚΚ Finish all
16.ΚΚΚΚΚΚ Recycle the
17.ΚΚΚΚΚΚ Clean your
18.ΚΚΚΚΚΚ Don't hassle
19.ΚΚΚΚΚΚ Don't hassle
the naked chicks.
20.ΚΚΚΚΚΚ Help as many
people as have helped you. Or more.
21.ΚΚΚΚΚΚ Give as much
as is given to you. Or more.
22.ΚΚΚΚΚΚ Bring enough
water for anything.
23.ΚΚΚΚΚΚ Don't leave
anything lighter than an anvil laying about.
24.ΚΚΚΚΚΚ Do what you
say you're going to do.
25.ΚΚΚΚΚΚ Leave the
world a better place than you found it.